In for a penny, in for a pound…cake

I can accept anything, except what seems to be the easiest for most people: the half-way, the almost, the just-about, the in-between.

I suffer sometimes from serious indecision.  It’s not often that I don’t know what I ought to do and so when I’m genuinely faced with two valid options it can make me go a bit wonky.  When I make up my mind to do something, I do it with the full force of my Luke Cage heavy determination and force of will.  That’s why, when I’m unsureof the correct course of action it can send me into a damn near catatonic state.  I’m all or nothing baby and giving my all means I put everything I have into the project at hand.  The fear therein is that I’ll be wasting all that energy or effort on the wrong choice and that’s pretty terrifying.

I must not fear

Fear is the mind killer

A simpler approach might be to say “Gee Olivia, how about you find a solid middle ground?” and that may arguably be the more adult approach.  My all-or-nothing strategy is kind of like living in a world of absolutes—often thought to be a rather simplistic, childish and rigid approach to things.  I just find I can’t change who I am in this regard.  It’s more or less hard wired.  I know it’s just one of the many aspects of my INFJ personality and it’s definitely not something I feel a strong need to change.  When it works boy does it work and the words like “relentless”, “tenacious” and “driven” are used pretty interchangeably to describe me over the years…usually in a positive manner.  Still the fact that I can find myself in paralysis when I’m genuinely confused about which road to take in this yellow wood is not something I like about myself.  I don’t think I can change my approach to life—it’s too centrally tied to who I am and I more or less like it.  So the question becomes instead how do I conquer this fear? 

The Multiverse Theory: Somewhere within the quantum foam of existence, amongst the very building blocks of reality there is a universe where you… are Batman.

I’m convinced the multiverse is real.  If not by SCIENCE! Then it at the very least exists in the depths of my tormented mind.  See my fear is rooted in my very real ability to project out a dozen possible outcomes for any particular moment I’m currently within.  It was called the “Olivia spiral of doom” by an ex who got frustrated at my frequent spins off into worst possible outcome scenarios whenever I was worried.  Another ex just called it my being “crazy”.  Neither of those comments was ever particularly helpful.  I prefer to think of it as having an active imagination coupled with intense OCD and a pathological need for control.  Not entirely the most positive way to describe it but accurate, and frankly, my ability to “project” outward has served me well both in my career and in my more creative endeavors.  It serves less usefully when I’m trying to pick where to eat dinner or in some interpersonal relations.  Note the “EX” part of the boyfriends…but they were jerks anyway so that worked out for the best.

 The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.

It’s the fear of the unknown, of not having a contingency plan, of making an irreparable mistake that sends me into shutdown.  Sure I can see each path but only so far as the road bends and it’s what comes after that bend that worries me.  I can only plan so much and if life has taught me anything I’ll spend all this time worrying about getting a flat tire when I turn the corner only instead to wind up with a giant purple elephant blocking my path instead.  I suppose if I could have a superpower one of the more tempting options would be the ability to control probability and odds ala Scarlett Witch for those situations where the potential outcomes are present but the finality of them is uncertain.

 I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but, after that. Every night after that. I’d see it all again… I do something different. Faster or more clever, you know? 

It’s not that making mistakes is even inherently a bad thing.  We need them.  We learn from them.  It is only from breaking down muscle that you can build it up again and stronger than before.  My struggle is in the inability to forgive myself for making the mistake—for not being able to have foreseen a roadblock I could have prevented or worse for mistakenly choosing it.  I am forever incapable of cutting myself a break.  It’s not the failure I fear…it’s me that I’m afraid of.  My inability to forgive myself for failing.  It’s definitely a big part of Body Dysmorphic Disorder and how it manifests in my personality.  I will never live up to my expectations of myself and it can be so damn exhausting.  So. Tired.  When I say I’m tired all the time it’s not because I’m not getting enough sleep.  I’m almost certainly not getting enough sleep but that’s not what drags my energy down.  It’s the days where I just can’t seem to let go, forgive myself, and move on.  These conflicting elements of my personality – being so decisive and yet so unforgiving of my failures – make it very tiring to be me some days.  Part of getting healthy, part of being strong, is learning to trust my strength, to let go sometimes and leap…because you know what?  Those times that I have, I usually find that I soar.

 You’ve got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down.

I like the pound cake recipe for this post because the perfect pound cake is so often trademarked by a crack right down the middle.  A balance of two sides and a mark of imperfection that without, make the cake seem almost wrong somehow.  You’ve gotta learn the balance.

Perfection Pound Cake

Recipe from Dorie Greenspan’s “Baking from my home to yours”

• 2 cups all-purpose flour (or 2 ¼ cups cake flour)
• 1 tsp baking powder
• ¼ tsp salt
• 2 sticks (8 ounces) unsalted butter, at room temperature
• 1 cup granulated sugar
• 4 large eggs, at room temperature
• 1 tsp pure vanilla extract

Center a rack in the oven and preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Butter a 9×5-inch loaf pan or an 8-1/2 x 4-1/2-inch loaf pan. Put the pan on an insulated baking sheet or on two regular baking sheets stacked one on top of the other. Whisk together the flour, baking powder, and salt.

Working with a stand mixer, preferably fitted with a paddle attachment, or with a hand mixer in a large bowl, beat the butter and sugar on high speed until pale and fluffy, a full 5 minutes. Scrape down the bowl and beater and reduce the mixer speed to medium. Add the eggs one at a time, beating for 1 to 2 minutes after each egg goes in. As you’re working, scrape down the bowl and beater often. Mix in the vanilla extract. Reduce the mixer speed to low and add the flour, mixing only until it is incorporated – don’t overmix. In fact, you might want to fold in the last of the flour, or even all of it, by hand with a rubber spatula. Scrape the batter into the buttered pan and smooth the top.

Put the cake into the oven to bake, and check on it after about 45 minutes. If it’s browning too quickly, cover it loosely with a foil tent. If you’re using a 9×5 pan, you’ll need to bake the cake for 70 to 75 minutes; the smaller pan needs about 90 minutes. The cake is properly baked when a thin knife inserted deep into the center comes out clean.

Remove the cake from the oven, transfer the pan to a rack and let rest for 30 minutes. Run a blunt knife between the cake and the sides of the pan and turn the cake out, then turn it right side up on the rack and cool to room temperature. Wrapped well, the cake will keep for 5 to 7 days at room temperature (stale cake is great toasted) or up to 2 months in the freezer.